I know everybodys talking about the article but its this tweet itself that makes me lose my shit
tinder link in bio.
the replies:
*tapes scissors to my dick* why won’t anyone fuck me, edward scissordick?
I’m sobbing
I love going trough the notes every time bc there’s always someone in the notes insisting we’re all mean and that you can just wear thick dish gloves over your fake nails as if I wouldn’t assume you’re going to Patrick Bateman my ass if you walked into the bedroom with claws and yellow rubber gloves
Happy anniversary to the 2021 Suez Canal obstruction. 23–29 March 2021 were the funniest 6 days and 7 hours we could have ever asked for.
Uh, oh, the post is now obstructed!
😞😞😞
Tweets from the aftermath of the Toba supereruption in 75,000 BC
Man: What’s a matter girl, you had a little bit too much corn?
Pig: *very long disgruntled groan which rises in pitch*
Man: Is that a yeah?
Pig: *shorter groan*
Man: Okay. Here I come, I gotta get the intoxicated pig… Look at this pig…
Pig: *quiet snort*
Man: Hey!
Pig: *snort*
Man: Are you messed up, girl?
Pig: *short snort*
Man: Never seen a damn pig… Look at that, that one here’s fine, that one there is fine, this one here is turned belly up
Pig: *snort snort snort snort*
Man: Hey you
Pig: *snort*
Man: Whoa! Whoa! Shit! [Unintelligible] HOWH! Come here girl!
Pig: *grunt grunt grunt*
Man: Holy hell, fuck…I didn’t mean to do that
“Whoa! Woah! Shit The Bed Almighty!” Is my new favorite expletive
and if anyone’s wondering, the man (from Cecilia, Kentucky, USA) had emptied a broken deer feeder full of accidentally fermented corn into a field where no animals were supposed to be. the pigs broke out of their pen, got into the corn, and the one you see here seriously overindulged
they observed her overnight and got Animal Control to do a check-up on her. she’s fine
so yes, you you can enjoy the video without worrying about Drunk Pig
So glad to hear she’s just drunk off her… whatever you call a pig ass. Haunches?
sorry i am on cindy's side
me too
You're laughing, Cindy was just possessed by his grandmother and you're laughing
usb drives you find lying on the ground are modern day cursed amulets
just over a decade ago, i was a student at a big state university and i worked at a computer lab on campus. and people would leave flash drives there every fuckin day we're talkin like dozens of flash drives a week. and what's really wild to me is that they generally would NEVER come back and ask for their flash drive. like, maybe 1 in a 100 came to the desk and asked for their flash drive back so we'd just have boxes and boxes of flash drives. hundreds of them. and let me tell you, people would leave all sorts of crazy shit on those (it was my job to check). mostly homework of course but also, like, entire music and movie collections, games, personal photos, extremely personal photos, and, like, tax documents. do u know how many times i found a flash drive with someone's complete tax return and academic record on it? with like their social security number and everything? it's a good thing i'm not into identity theft because working there was easy mode. anyway about once a month i'd wipe all the drives less than 256MB in size, load em up with furry porn, and leave them around parties like easter eggs
i have a friend who has kinda bad eczema on their right hand but their left hand is fine and thats because acidity makes eczema worse and that includes vaginal acidity and my friend is both a lesbian and a slut so they finger a lot of people and that fucks up the hand they use (their right hand). Anyways do you think BBC sherlock would deduce that by looking at my friend’s hands
nothing couldve prepared me for the last sentence
sorry this is by and far the funniest way to announce you’ve lost a leopard
For the record Nova is a clouded leopard, not an African one. They weigh about 30 pounds and are not very aggressive or considered a serious danger to humans. Probably best known by this meme:
also they found her because a squirrel was chattering angrily about her being in the tree. i just think that’s really funny.